farewell.

i found this message a few days ago. i wrote it when i was leaving college to come back home for good. i had kind of forgotten about it, but it's an important message to me.




at this point in my life, i have no idea where i'm going. in the city of portland, i grew and learned many things that i would've not learned without the opportunity to live in the city. i've experienced being on my own for the first time, something that many people have openly doubted that i could ever do. i lost a few things along the way but discovered much more. college found me meeting a few people that i can say that i do believe i can open up and discuss just about anything with. people like that are hard to find and especially hard for me to find in the city.

when i first arrived in this new element, i was scared out of my mind. i was overwhelmed by my new surroundings. i was even afraid of the streetcar and the max. i experienced scary professors and a few nice ones as well. i ate all of that gross cafeteria food that everyone tells you is horrible. guess what though, some of that cafeteria food is actually pretty good tasting and i took for granted having a hot meal in front of me at almost any given moment.

so you may ask... where am i going? what am i doing with my life? i am undecided. i just know that right now, i couldn't focus on my schoolwork enough to do great in college. being away from family and friends is probably the hardest challenge i've faced in my life.

don't fear for my future, i have the faith that i can do anything with my life.

the past. the present. the future.

the past.
shared experiences that have all ready come to be.

the present.
shared experiences that are happening as i write.

the future.
shared experiences that will happen. we can only dream of what they will be.

boy, oh boy.

some things in this world change us. i feel as if there are people who we associate with who will change us to no end. we really won't even have control over it. we'll lose ourselves and the ones we love. what for? for nothing really but a stupid obsession.

i feel stupid.
i feel dumb.
i feel not wanted.
i feel as if things can't be how they used to.
i feel happy... but i feel lonely.
i feel like a wallflower.
i feel so unlike any other soul.
i feel unreal.

the world - part two.

the world. again.

odd hours.

lately my life has been strange.
i stay up far too late and sleep far too long.
i am obsessed with justin bieber's voice.
i have dreams where i can't open my eyes.
i spend my first time in ikea and eat ikea food.
i eat multiple chipotle burritos like an addict.
i love with my heart.
i dance with my feet.
i laugh with my mouth.
i live... in some sort of fashion.

eet.

when you find yourself staring out your window to a thick patch of fog, light up a candle and turn on regina spektor.

next you should heat up some soup and make a cup of tea or coffee.

go through your closet and grab your most beautiful sweater.

winter is as great as you make it and right now i love it.

i can't express myself in a pretty way.

the greatest quality to have in this lifetime is knowing how to say good bye to the people you love while keeping composure.

maybe getting choked up, crying, and sobbing show how much these people mean to you and how much you have taken them for granted during their time with you.

i find myself clinging on to memories of times way back when. those were the moments when i rolled down hills, leaped into fall leaves, kissed my mother on the lips, and cried for my dad who lived too far away.

now i find myself stuck and debating life. remembering the goals i had for myself to graduate college and be successful.

when i think back to my time in college, i only remember sadness and wanting to be with everyone i loved. i don't think i could leave again.

the greatest quality to have in this lifetime is knowing how to be with the people you love without ever having to say good bye.

the boy and his city.

there was once a boy who lived in a city. 

he loved his city and the trees that surrounded it.

one day the city began to burn away.

smoke and ashes filled the air.

the boy was so scared and everyone around him packed up their things and drove.

the next day the fire was gone.

everyone was happy and went on with life.

the boy was so hurt because the hills were black and everything had burned.

point and shoot.

the world.

a stuffed dead animal on a platter.

i didn't eat too much today... i eat more every other day.

i think that today was so beautiful and great.

tomorrow will be so crazy.
black friday will be out of control.

why am i so boring?

once on a blank white piece of paper i wrote 12:40am.

sometimes the most beautiful music in the world has the ugliest lyrics.
it's quite horrible.

sometimes i wonder how many fingers are lost to make my clothing.

sometimes when things get tough,
i pretend i have a baby and i cradle her to sleep.