The Late Night Life Ponderer

A good friend of mine once told me, "What happens in the dark, comes out in the light."

I never saw that friend again but I think back on what people teach me and I try and learn from it.

My heart hurts for all of the pretty souls of the world searching for peace.

A Fear of Love

I really like you but I'm afraid you don't feel the same way. Although it may sound a bit melancholy, it seems too good to be true for someone of your stature to think of me in such a breathtaking way. Alas you tell me that you like me and that you can't wait to get to know me. So I trust your every word and hope for a future worth mentioning.

I really like you but I'm afraid you'll let me down. Although it may sound a bit foreshadowed to assume that things will get detrimental, I only know what I know and that the one before you left me in the cold. You mustn't judge me for what I am hesitant of.

I really like you but I'm afraid of loss. Although if may sound silly to fret on experiencing an important piece of life. To lose is to have something disappear, something that could mean the world to one person. To not have at all means to never have to lose.

A wise man once told me not to be afraid. Fear is what's keeping the world from being a place filled with love.

Boxes.

Today was an interesting day. I went through boxes and boxes of stored belongings I have and sorted through them. It's a bit insane the feelings that can be brought back from such a task. I felt as if I were in high school once again and all the friends I've lost were standing right beside me. School papers were there reminding me of who I once was and smells transported me to a time when I seemed much younger. I threw a lot away, something I've never even thought about doing before. There comes a time when letting go seems like the right thing to do.

Love.

Remember when we used to be in love?
Remember when you used to love me?
Remember when things felt perfect for some time?

I think I look back on our love and wonder when things changed. Sometimes I blame myself for the misfortunes that came to be of what we once had. Lately I don't blame myself for what went wrong though, I'm not sure if I even blame you.

I think and I wonder what could've been and I feel so lonely that I'm unable to breathe for a moment.

I've always had this idea that one day I would experience what it's like to be in love and I'd know exactly what love means. Now I think I'll never know what love means.

Will our hearts ever heal from lost love? Maybe not. My heart feels better now most days but I still think of you. I hope you still think of me.

I could never forget the way you smelled or your facial expressions or how you'd hold me on a bad day when I'd be sobbing in your arms.

Relationships change and I don't understand change. When I love someone, I really love them.

I don't want to see you with someone else or see the great things you're accomplishing. I hope you don't think I'm selfish. I'll always want you to be happy.

My heart hurts and I don't like that feeling but I know it means that we once had something really great and I still remember everything.

Have You Ever Sat And Wondered When Things Are Going To Start Making Sense Again?

Have you ever sat and wondered when things are going to start making sense again? Like we hit this age where we start doubting everything. We start growing up and realizing that things aren't as we always had seemed back when we were just kids. Now we have to make choices and those choices are important. They shape who we are and where we will go in life.

I sit and wonder sometimes, quite often lately, when things will make sense. If ever. When our decisions will be good ones or when we'll grow common sense. Or the day when we'll love so hard because we're just waiting for someone to say they love us back.

What is there to make sense of really. It's like we have all of these phases of life. Like being a kid and then being a teenager and it keeps going. But as humans we change during all of those times. We lose touch with people. Our families aren't the same. And we're just sitting here day after day and night after night... trying to make sense of it. Wondering if things are going to start making sense again.

This Is Goodbye

There comes a time in everyone's lives when things change. Relationships fail, friends move on, and family isn't around anymore.

As humans we get upset over these things. We get mad. We cry. We deny it. But eventually we move on.

People will come in and out of our lives. They will teach us lessons and we will learn new things from them. They will be important to us at some point during our time with them.

When things change we have to move on with our heads held up high and remember that there are new things and people who will be entering our lives soon.

We will move on but never forget.

This is goodbye.

Life. Dreams. Beautiful. Life.

I used to have dreams about the love I had for you. I would picture us laughing and enjoying each other's company. You would teach me new things and I would admire you. The one I loved had beautiful hands. He would rest his hand on mine and it was so incredible. We would lay in fields and dream about where we wanted to go in our lives.

When I think of love, I think of being a housewife. You go off to work and I take care of our kids and take them to their activities and sports practices. I make dinner and when you come home you eat and tell me about work, and you just stare at me because you missed me. We play games with our kids and help them with their homework. On the weekends we wake up early and take our kids and our dog to the park. I think I love to dream.

When I don't think of love, I think of being completely involved in my career. I go to work in the city and take care of my news stories and design work. I pick up dinner and come home to missed business calls and several new e-mails. I try and get an early start on my next big story and designing a very important logo for a large company. On the weekends I escape the city by getting on trains and exploring the world. I think reality can be beautiful.

I still have dreams of the love I had for you. I picture us sitting and hating each other's company. You don't teach me new things and I never admire you. Your hands are dirty. You don't try to rest your hand on mine and you tell me you love someone else. We lay in a field for the last time and I dream about the goals I have for my life.