Have You Ever Sat And Wondered When Things Are Going To Start Making Sense Again?

Have you ever sat and wondered when things are going to start making sense again? Like we hit this age where we start doubting everything. We start growing up and realizing that things aren't as we always had seemed back when we were just kids. Now we have to make choices and those choices are important. They shape who we are and where we will go in life.

I sit and wonder sometimes, quite often lately, when things will make sense. If ever. When our decisions will be good ones or when we'll grow common sense. Or the day when we'll love so hard because we're just waiting for someone to say they love us back.

What is there to make sense of really. It's like we have all of these phases of life. Like being a kid and then being a teenager and it keeps going. But as humans we change during all of those times. We lose touch with people. Our families aren't the same. And we're just sitting here day after day and night after night... trying to make sense of it. Wondering if things are going to start making sense again.

This Is Goodbye

There comes a time in everyone's lives when things change. Relationships fail, friends move on, and family isn't around anymore.

As humans we get upset over these things. We get mad. We cry. We deny it. But eventually we move on.

People will come in and out of our lives. They will teach us lessons and we will learn new things from them. They will be important to us at some point during our time with them.

When things change we have to move on with our heads held up high and remember that there are new things and people who will be entering our lives soon.

We will move on but never forget.

This is goodbye.

Life. Dreams. Beautiful. Life.

I used to have dreams about the love I had for you. I would picture us laughing and enjoying each other's company. You would teach me new things and I would admire you. The one I loved had beautiful hands. He would rest his hand on mine and it was so incredible. We would lay in fields and dream about where we wanted to go in our lives.

When I think of love, I think of being a housewife. You go off to work and I take care of our kids and take them to their activities and sports practices. I make dinner and when you come home you eat and tell me about work, and you just stare at me because you missed me. We play games with our kids and help them with their homework. On the weekends we wake up early and take our kids and our dog to the park. I think I love to dream.

When I don't think of love, I think of being completely involved in my career. I go to work in the city and take care of my news stories and design work. I pick up dinner and come home to missed business calls and several new e-mails. I try and get an early start on my next big story and designing a very important logo for a large company. On the weekends I escape the city by getting on trains and exploring the world. I think reality can be beautiful.

I still have dreams of the love I had for you. I picture us sitting and hating each other's company. You don't teach me new things and I never admire you. Your hands are dirty. You don't try to rest your hand on mine and you tell me you love someone else. We lay in a field for the last time and I dream about the goals I have for my life.

The Future

Recently I've started thinking about the past year of my life and where I've been. When I step back and look at everything that has happened, I eventually start to make sense of it. Sometimes the sense I find isn't what I want but the truth is that what has happened, has all ready happened. The future is what I have control of.

Today I made a decision. I've been struggling for months and months to make this decision and although I still have plenty of time to rethink and change my mind, I truly believe that this choice I have made is completely necessary.

Going back to college this fall for journalism is my goal. I am confident in what I want to study and I enjoy it as well. When I return to college I will be closer to home and be more mature than the first time around. Growing up has forced me to understand how money works and I know I will put my college loans to better use.

Fear is the only thing standing in the way of where I want to go in my lifetime. I've let fear take away so much from me so far. I won't let it happen anymore. I can't let it happen.

six months.

the following blog entry is one that i have struggled to put on here but i think it's necessary.


i left for six months.
when i came back i expected everyone and everything to be exactly the same.
for the past year i have been trying to remember what things were like before i left.
the truth though is that people move on. no one is waiting for you as if you left yesterday.
i've wanted so badly for things to just be the same.
everyone is growing up and their lives are changing.
sometimes i feel as if i'm only watching them grow, as if i'm not actually changing.
i know i've changed though and it scares the hell out of me.

it scares me so bad sometimes that i can't breathe.

six months can change your world.
six months will make you learn.
six months never come back.


six months always made the difference.

a disaster.

when the world is struck with disaster, i shut myself down.
i fear for what is to come next.
i don't understand how everyone can keep going on with their lives.
how can all these things keep happening to people?


i wish i could help all of the world's victims.
i want to be a better person.
i need to care more.

my life as a polaroid.

today is a new day.

for every wrong decision,
there is a new day.

today is a new day.



a song i recommend...
a good man is hard to find-sufjan stevens

lights.

what happens to us as we grow old?
why do our parents only talk to their siblings when they have to?
how come anxiety and depression pills are the cure to life?

i'm scared of the future.
i'm scared that my siblings and nephews won't have a change at an innocent world.
i'm scared we will die from too many disasters.
i'm scared?

i know that i can be happy with all the love we have for each other.
i am sure that there are enough beautiful souls left to cure all of the rotten ones.

sometimes i go on not making sense.
other times i try and make sense of it.