The Future

Recently I've started thinking about the past year of my life and where I've been. When I step back and look at everything that has happened, I eventually start to make sense of it. Sometimes the sense I find isn't what I want but the truth is that what has happened, has all ready happened. The future is what I have control of.

Today I made a decision. I've been struggling for months and months to make this decision and although I still have plenty of time to rethink and change my mind, I truly believe that this choice I have made is completely necessary.

Going back to college this fall for journalism is my goal. I am confident in what I want to study and I enjoy it as well. When I return to college I will be closer to home and be more mature than the first time around. Growing up has forced me to understand how money works and I know I will put my college loans to better use.

Fear is the only thing standing in the way of where I want to go in my lifetime. I've let fear take away so much from me so far. I won't let it happen anymore. I can't let it happen.

six months.

the following blog entry is one that i have struggled to put on here but i think it's necessary.


i left for six months.
when i came back i expected everyone and everything to be exactly the same.
for the past year i have been trying to remember what things were like before i left.
the truth though is that people move on. no one is waiting for you as if you left yesterday.
i've wanted so badly for things to just be the same.
everyone is growing up and their lives are changing.
sometimes i feel as if i'm only watching them grow, as if i'm not actually changing.
i know i've changed though and it scares the hell out of me.

it scares me so bad sometimes that i can't breathe.

six months can change your world.
six months will make you learn.
six months never come back.


six months always made the difference.

a disaster.

when the world is struck with disaster, i shut myself down.
i fear for what is to come next.
i don't understand how everyone can keep going on with their lives.
how can all these things keep happening to people?


i wish i could help all of the world's victims.
i want to be a better person.
i need to care more.

my life as a polaroid.

today is a new day.

for every wrong decision,
there is a new day.

today is a new day.



a song i recommend...
a good man is hard to find-sufjan stevens

lights.

what happens to us as we grow old?
why do our parents only talk to their siblings when they have to?
how come anxiety and depression pills are the cure to life?

i'm scared of the future.
i'm scared that my siblings and nephews won't have a change at an innocent world.
i'm scared we will die from too many disasters.
i'm scared?

i know that i can be happy with all the love we have for each other.
i am sure that there are enough beautiful souls left to cure all of the rotten ones.

sometimes i go on not making sense.
other times i try and make sense of it.