Today

Today, I had a grand time with my love. We woke up wrapped in soft cotton sheets, my head resting on his smooth skinned chest. He kissed my forehead and grasped the palm of my hand with his fingers.

Today, I had a grand time with my love. We went for coffee and held onto each other tight, my hand resting in his and the open road ahead of us. He kissed me on my neck and called me beautiful.

Today, I had a grand time with my love. We sipped on wine and fine dined, my eyes fixated on his. He looked at me with his lovely pair of eyes and I didn't have to say a word, I knew how we both felt. 

Today, I had a grand time with my love. We played a game and I learned something new, my concentration solely to him. He guided me and taught me something I hadn't known before.

Today, I had a grand time with my love. We went for a beer and he made me laugh, my heart growing so fond of his contagious personality. He told me a story about his life and I liked him even more.

Today, I had a sad time with my love. I came to see him and things were different, my thoughts racing through my mind. He said he was breaking up with me and I began to cry.

Today, I had a different kind of day with myself. I did things on my own because that's how life works, my emotions left unattached. He didn't do anything for me today.

Today, I had a new day with myself. I woke up in hard cotton sheets, my head resting on a flat pillow. I told myself that I am beautiful, smart, and independent because that was the only thing I could do.

365 Days Later.

I can't understand for the life of me why people leave and we're supposed to move on and be okay. When I love, I love forever and I'm never going to be fully okay. 

The Late Night Life Ponderer

A good friend of mine once told me, "What happens in the dark, comes out in the light."

I never saw that friend again but I think back on what people teach me and I try and learn from it.

My heart hurts for all of the pretty souls of the world searching for peace.

A Fear of Love

I really like you but I'm afraid you don't feel the same way. Although it may sound a bit melancholy, it seems too good to be true for someone of your stature to think of me in such a breathtaking way. Alas you tell me that you like me and that you can't wait to get to know me. So I trust your every word and hope for a future worth mentioning.

I really like you but I'm afraid you'll let me down. Although it may sound a bit foreshadowed to assume that things will get detrimental, I only know what I know and that the one before you left me in the cold. You mustn't judge me for what I am hesitant of.

I really like you but I'm afraid of loss. Although if may sound silly to fret on experiencing an important piece of life. To lose is to have something disappear, something that could mean the world to one person. To not have at all means to never have to lose.

A wise man once told me not to be afraid. Fear is what's keeping the world from being a place filled with love.

Boxes.

Today was an interesting day. I went through boxes and boxes of stored belongings I have and sorted through them. It's a bit insane the feelings that can be brought back from such a task. I felt as if I were in high school once again and all the friends I've lost were standing right beside me. School papers were there reminding me of who I once was and smells transported me to a time when I seemed much younger. I threw a lot away, something I've never even thought about doing before. There comes a time when letting go seems like the right thing to do.

Love.

Remember when we used to be in love?
Remember when you used to love me?
Remember when things felt perfect for some time?

I think I look back on our love and wonder when things changed. Sometimes I blame myself for the misfortunes that came to be of what we once had. Lately I don't blame myself for what went wrong though, I'm not sure if I even blame you.

I think and I wonder what could've been and I feel so lonely that I'm unable to breathe for a moment.

I've always had this idea that one day I would experience what it's like to be in love and I'd know exactly what love means. Now I think I'll never know what love means.

Will our hearts ever heal from lost love? Maybe not. My heart feels better now most days but I still think of you. I hope you still think of me.

I could never forget the way you smelled or your facial expressions or how you'd hold me on a bad day when I'd be sobbing in your arms.

Relationships change and I don't understand change. When I love someone, I really love them.

I don't want to see you with someone else or see the great things you're accomplishing. I hope you don't think I'm selfish. I'll always want you to be happy.

My heart hurts and I don't like that feeling but I know it means that we once had something really great and I still remember everything.

Have You Ever Sat And Wondered When Things Are Going To Start Making Sense Again?

Have you ever sat and wondered when things are going to start making sense again? Like we hit this age where we start doubting everything. We start growing up and realizing that things aren't as we always had seemed back when we were just kids. Now we have to make choices and those choices are important. They shape who we are and where we will go in life.

I sit and wonder sometimes, quite often lately, when things will make sense. If ever. When our decisions will be good ones or when we'll grow common sense. Or the day when we'll love so hard because we're just waiting for someone to say they love us back.

What is there to make sense of really. It's like we have all of these phases of life. Like being a kid and then being a teenager and it keeps going. But as humans we change during all of those times. We lose touch with people. Our families aren't the same. And we're just sitting here day after day and night after night... trying to make sense of it. Wondering if things are going to start making sense again.

This Is Goodbye

There comes a time in everyone's lives when things change. Relationships fail, friends move on, and family isn't around anymore.

As humans we get upset over these things. We get mad. We cry. We deny it. But eventually we move on.

People will come in and out of our lives. They will teach us lessons and we will learn new things from them. They will be important to us at some point during our time with them.

When things change we have to move on with our heads held up high and remember that there are new things and people who will be entering our lives soon.

We will move on but never forget.

This is goodbye.

Life. Dreams. Beautiful. Life.

I used to have dreams about the love I had for you. I would picture us laughing and enjoying each other's company. You would teach me new things and I would admire you. The one I loved had beautiful hands. He would rest his hand on mine and it was so incredible. We would lay in fields and dream about where we wanted to go in our lives.

When I think of love, I think of being a housewife. You go off to work and I take care of our kids and take them to their activities and sports practices. I make dinner and when you come home you eat and tell me about work, and you just stare at me because you missed me. We play games with our kids and help them with their homework. On the weekends we wake up early and take our kids and our dog to the park. I think I love to dream.

When I don't think of love, I think of being completely involved in my career. I go to work in the city and take care of my news stories and design work. I pick up dinner and come home to missed business calls and several new e-mails. I try and get an early start on my next big story and designing a very important logo for a large company. On the weekends I escape the city by getting on trains and exploring the world. I think reality can be beautiful.

I still have dreams of the love I had for you. I picture us sitting and hating each other's company. You don't teach me new things and I never admire you. Your hands are dirty. You don't try to rest your hand on mine and you tell me you love someone else. We lay in a field for the last time and I dream about the goals I have for my life.

The Future

Recently I've started thinking about the past year of my life and where I've been. When I step back and look at everything that has happened, I eventually start to make sense of it. Sometimes the sense I find isn't what I want but the truth is that what has happened, has all ready happened. The future is what I have control of.

Today I made a decision. I've been struggling for months and months to make this decision and although I still have plenty of time to rethink and change my mind, I truly believe that this choice I have made is completely necessary.

Going back to college this fall for journalism is my goal. I am confident in what I want to study and I enjoy it as well. When I return to college I will be closer to home and be more mature than the first time around. Growing up has forced me to understand how money works and I know I will put my college loans to better use.

Fear is the only thing standing in the way of where I want to go in my lifetime. I've let fear take away so much from me so far. I won't let it happen anymore. I can't let it happen.

six months.

the following blog entry is one that i have struggled to put on here but i think it's necessary.


i left for six months.
when i came back i expected everyone and everything to be exactly the same.
for the past year i have been trying to remember what things were like before i left.
the truth though is that people move on. no one is waiting for you as if you left yesterday.
i've wanted so badly for things to just be the same.
everyone is growing up and their lives are changing.
sometimes i feel as if i'm only watching them grow, as if i'm not actually changing.
i know i've changed though and it scares the hell out of me.

it scares me so bad sometimes that i can't breathe.

six months can change your world.
six months will make you learn.
six months never come back.


six months always made the difference.

a disaster.

when the world is struck with disaster, i shut myself down.
i fear for what is to come next.
i don't understand how everyone can keep going on with their lives.
how can all these things keep happening to people?


i wish i could help all of the world's victims.
i want to be a better person.
i need to care more.

my life as a polaroid.

today is a new day.

for every wrong decision,
there is a new day.

today is a new day.



a song i recommend...
a good man is hard to find-sufjan stevens

lights.

what happens to us as we grow old?
why do our parents only talk to their siblings when they have to?
how come anxiety and depression pills are the cure to life?

i'm scared of the future.
i'm scared that my siblings and nephews won't have a change at an innocent world.
i'm scared we will die from too many disasters.
i'm scared?

i know that i can be happy with all the love we have for each other.
i am sure that there are enough beautiful souls left to cure all of the rotten ones.

sometimes i go on not making sense.
other times i try and make sense of it.

farewell.

i found this message a few days ago. i wrote it when i was leaving college to come back home for good. i had kind of forgotten about it, but it's an important message to me.




at this point in my life, i have no idea where i'm going. in the city of portland, i grew and learned many things that i would've not learned without the opportunity to live in the city. i've experienced being on my own for the first time, something that many people have openly doubted that i could ever do. i lost a few things along the way but discovered much more. college found me meeting a few people that i can say that i do believe i can open up and discuss just about anything with. people like that are hard to find and especially hard for me to find in the city.

when i first arrived in this new element, i was scared out of my mind. i was overwhelmed by my new surroundings. i was even afraid of the streetcar and the max. i experienced scary professors and a few nice ones as well. i ate all of that gross cafeteria food that everyone tells you is horrible. guess what though, some of that cafeteria food is actually pretty good tasting and i took for granted having a hot meal in front of me at almost any given moment.

so you may ask... where am i going? what am i doing with my life? i am undecided. i just know that right now, i couldn't focus on my schoolwork enough to do great in college. being away from family and friends is probably the hardest challenge i've faced in my life.

don't fear for my future, i have the faith that i can do anything with my life.

the past. the present. the future.

the past.
shared experiences that have all ready come to be.

the present.
shared experiences that are happening as i write.

the future.
shared experiences that will happen. we can only dream of what they will be.

boy, oh boy.

some things in this world change us. i feel as if there are people who we associate with who will change us to no end. we really won't even have control over it. we'll lose ourselves and the ones we love. what for? for nothing really but a stupid obsession.

i feel stupid.
i feel dumb.
i feel not wanted.
i feel as if things can't be how they used to.
i feel happy... but i feel lonely.
i feel like a wallflower.
i feel so unlike any other soul.
i feel unreal.

the world - part two.

the world. again.

odd hours.

lately my life has been strange.
i stay up far too late and sleep far too long.
i am obsessed with justin bieber's voice.
i have dreams where i can't open my eyes.
i spend my first time in ikea and eat ikea food.
i eat multiple chipotle burritos like an addict.
i love with my heart.
i dance with my feet.
i laugh with my mouth.
i live... in some sort of fashion.